He conceived a huge disgust of his office and
all its requirements; and sometimes bitterly blamed his parents for not
interfering with his choice of a profession that was certain to be his
ruin.
One day, having had no delirium for some hours, he suddenly called out as
they stood by his bed--
"Oh, mother! oh, father! _why_ did you tempt me to such hypocrisy? _Why_
did you not bring me up to walk at the plough-tail? _Then_ I should never
have had to encounter the damnable snares of the pulpit! It was that which
ruined me--the notion that I must take the minister for my pattern, and
live up to my idea of _him_, before even I had begun to cherish anything
real in me! It was the road royal to hypocrisy! Without that rootless,
worthless, devilish fancy, I might have been no worse than other people!
Now I am lost! Now I shall never get back to bare honesty, not to say
innocence! They are both gone for ever!"
The poor mother could only imagine it his humility that made him accuse
himself of hypocrisy, and that because he had not fulfilled to the
uttermost the smallest duty of his great office.
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